What happened when Prometheus tried to obtain support for the most important invention in history

Prometheus: Thank you, learned gentlemen, for agreeing to meet with me today.

Group: (bored grunts)

Prometheus: I know you’re busy, so I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve invented a new technology that generates heat and light. I call it “FIRE”.

Svegle: What does FIRE stand for?

Prometheus: It doesn’t stand for anything.

Svegle: Then what does it mean?

Prometheus: It’s just a word I made up.

Svegle: Why not call it something that means something so we get what you’re doing right away? I’m just spitballing here, but why not call it something like “LWH” — light with heat.

Prometheus: I call it “fire”. I’ve already informed the elders in the language lair and they had no objections.

Svegle: I see you’re not very coachable, Pro. Nox, can we move on to our next presenter? We have a packed schedule today.

Nox: We agreed to meet with Pro as a favor to the Titan Group. Don’t forget they let us in on the Cronus sundial deal, so we owe them one.

Group: (Grunts of joy.)

Nox: Pro, please keep going, but make it quick. Tell us, what is this ‘fire’ you speak of?

Prometheus: I can turn sticks and old wood into lightning.

Nox: What say you, Grair, our technology doctor?

Grair: His claims are impossible. Only the gods can harness lightning.

Prometheus: Please, gentlemen, hear me out. I have discovered that by banging small rocks together, I can make small lightning. Then by applying the small lightning to dry leaves, I can make bigger lightning. Then I apply the bigger lightning to sticks of fire you can carry anywhere. Behold!

Grair: Look here, Pro, here’s the thing — this may be fine for you, but it’s too complicated for mortals who can barely figure out which side of the loincloth to slip into. We all know the average human will give up if they can’t get this fire thing started in under 30 seconds. And that’s not even counting the Neanderthals among us. You’ve gotta make it simple.

Prometheus: Fear not, gentlemen. You have only to make the starter lightning once. Then you use the starter to make fire as many times as you want. It’s very fast, extremely simple, and highly scalable.

Grair: How can you protect this fire thing from being copied by all the other tribes?

Prometheus: I protect it with trade secrets. Anyone who doesn’t know the secrets of my fire will themselves be turned into lightning.

Nox: What use cases have you identified for this fire?

Prometheus: Fire a platform technology. There are an abundance of applications, so many I cannot list all.

Nox: In other words, you haven’t found product-market fit. Have you even started talking to customers yet? Anyone doing pilot testing?

Prometheus: Learned gentlemen, please, it takes but the smallest amount of imagination to understand how this fire will revolutionize our lives.

Nox: Can you give us an example?

Prometheus: You can heat the flesh of animals you kill and make it safer and more tasty to eat. I have tried this myself and can extol the flavor of burned flesh.

Nox: Do we not already have salt to accomplish the same task? Plus you’ll need permission from the food distribution council to burn the food and I guarantee they won’t agree to anything. What else?

Prometheus: You can use fire to generate warmth to survive the coldest winters.

Nox: Do we not already have warm furs to protect us from the cold? What else?

Prometheus: You can use fire to destroy the homes and crops of our enemies. You can kill them the same as if they were struck dead by lightning.

Group: Oooooh.

Grair: Have you spoken of this with the war council?

Prometheus: Indeed I have. They told me the military applications look promising.

Ninpo: Sorry, sorry, to interrupt. I had a chance to speak with my brother on the war council last night. They did hear a presentation from Prometheus, but for the next few centuries, they’re too focused on advanced projectiles to spend any time on harnessing this fire.

Nox: Tough news, Pro. You really need some sort of beachhead market.

Prometheus: Indeed, gentlemen, behold! Fire can generate light like the sun to brighten the land on even the darkest moonless night.

Nox: Are you proposing to usurp Apollo’s role as the carrier of the sun?

Prometheus: That’s exactly what I propose. We will be the new gods on earth.

Group: (gasps)

Nox: Pro, Pro, Pro. I appreciate your enthusiasm. But you’re very young and far too naive. You’re just not ready to compete head-to-head with the powerful Apollo and his friends. Have you thought about licensing your technology to the Zeus Group?

Prometheus: Frankly, I would rather be bound to a rock and have my liver plucked out by an eagle than work with Zeus and his merry band of thieves. If I tell them the secrets of my fire, they’ll claim I stole it from them and refuse to pay me anything.

Svegle: This is a waste of our time. The founder is a hopeless technologist. He needs a cofounder who understands the business side.

Grair: Yes, thank you for your presentation, Pro, but your 5 minutes is up. This fire thing looks quite promising, but to be honest, it’s not really a fit for us. At this stage, it’s still a research project. It’s too early for us to invest in. But please come back after you find your beachhead market and start generating revenues.

Nox: Yes, thank you, Pro. And best wishes on your venture. Next up, we have Demeter the baker who claims to have invented a way to slice bread.

Svengle: A woman founder? Are you fucking kidding me, Nox? Why are we wasting time on these completely hopeless founders?